2022: Fearless

Can you escape yourself when you’re alone?

I’ve tried. I feel like I’m in the middle of a beautiful chaos.

The only thing I haven’t done that Solange named in Cranes in the Sky is “sexed it away.” It has been quite some time, casual dating in Philly has been hard, ha! I could start a whole new blog on that topic alone.

2021, thank you for being that year for me. That year that made me uncomfortable and scared of the thought of being alone. Not in a romantic way at all, but in a way that I had to sit with me. I had to face me. Confronting Heather in various ways and putting myself in check was not at all easy. As this year has come to a close, it is natural for reflections to glide alongside. Throughout 2021 I’ve made some mistakes, some decisions I’ve questioned and I have sat with an enormous amount of both pain & grief. With that, I’ve also experienced great amounts of gratitude and I’ve been able to see happiness while in the midst of both pain and grief. All things can exist in the same.

Experiencing one of the toughest transitions thus far in my life has also been one of the loneliest. I’ve had time to transparently sit with the thought “this has been tough.” I can name that and admit it has been tough. Moving during a pandemic has been extremely hard. It was one thing experiencing the pandemic while living in Atlanta with a community (friends), my dog Ava, and familiar places where I felt safe. Since living in Philadelphia, I have found it challenging to make friends (making friends as an adult already comes with its challenges), indulge in things I enjoy, and overall just adapting to a new lifestyle, quickly.

In a previous post, I shared my acceptance of being okay with the termination of phases in my life. The truth is though, it isn’t easy. I didn’t expect it to be easy, but the stretching, growing, aching and everything that comes along with change hit hard this past year. I purposely avoided season 5 of Insecure because it’s all too familiar. The space I’ve been in, I am sure the tears would’ve been non-stop each Sunday evening. I’ve been able to avoid some spoilers and I’ll get around to watching it soon.

On the outside, family and friends saw me beginning a new adventure in life. I packed up everything I owned and moved to Philly. I started my MFA in Creative Writing at Temple University, said no to things that were no longer working for me, and honestly, opted for something different. Going after my dreams had a new meaning for me, right before 30. You can change your mind at any time, I did just that. But the reality is, it has been lonely.

Inside, what you all didn’t see, was how bad I have been hurting this past year.

Transitioning from a full-time career, and taking a leap of FAITH came with quite a bit. The loss of meaningful relationships hit hard this year. My loneliness caused by the pandemic heightened. I questioned every decision I made. The fear of missing out crept up some of my gloomiest days. Grief still visits me on days I think I am over some friendships I lost this year.

There is beauty in not having everything figured out. For that, I will never complain.

God has kept me this year. New relationships have formed in my life, and I’ve nourished them with the strength in which I can. Meaning, I have tried to be kind to myself and not push past my limits.

2021,

I vowed to put myself first.

2022,

I am putting myself first without the fear of shame or guilt.

Each year, I choose a word that I intentionally focus on, meditate on, and lead with. One thing I am truly committed to doing is believing that I am deeply deserving of the things I desire.

My word for 2021: WORTHY

But I still allowed fear to lead me. Why? Because I didn’t believe I was capable. I questioned almost every blessing presented to me. I believed I was worthy but still allowed imposter syndrome to creep up and haunt me.

I’m done living in fear.

2022: FEARLESS

Scripture: Therefore I say to you, whatever things you ask when you pray, believe that you receive them, and you will have them. - Mark 11:24

Express Yourself: A Sunday Journal Note

This morning as I watched the sun rise, a color of burnt sienna, I played what felt like a never-ending game of a tussle with my sheets. Waking up from a beautifully vivid dream, sleeping in peace was a place I wanted to stay. This still quiet Sunday morning I laid in bed much later than usual which was met with an abundant feeling a gratitude.

Expressing gratitude verbally aloud to myself is a practice I became more intentional with in my 29th year.

Waking up in my 30th year is a blessing.

Understanding more of who I am, what my wants and needs are, while navigating change has been a transformative journey within itself. As I am still celebrating my birthday weekend, I am in a place of peace, stillness and rest. I’ve experienced my own luxury which includes many books, red wine, comfortable silence, fine dining, journaling and tears. Yes, the evening of my birthday, the tears just flowed. I didn’t even try to mask the feeling of being untrue to anything other than what was present.

For the past few weeks I’ve been grieving change, loss of friendships, transitions, out with the old, my own recognizable personal changes and a series of feelings that have overstayed their welcome. The morning of my birthday, I was truly grateful to see yet another year, messages from loves ones and begin a new chapter, a new decade, in a new city with a new perspective. Throughout the day, my thoughts were on go.

We must accept that things change, people change, and often, we can get so caught up in our personal tornados that we forget to appreciate the beauty within the change, transformation and termination of things.

I’m growing to become okay with the termination of phases in my life.

To my thirty-year old self, I want to remind you:

That it is okay to experience multiple feelings at once. Allow your feelings to show up, greet you how they may and stay for however long they need to. To feel is to be human, to allow your feelings to spend time with you grants you the opportunity for understanding. When you allow yourself to feel, you are acknowledging a part of yourself that wants to be recognized, she deserves the space.

Don’t minimize your accomplishments because others may feel intimidated by them. For a long time, you’ve allowed others the space to project their fears and insecurities onto you, not anymore. Continue to strive for what it is that YOU seek, don’t allow anyone else to do that. As you continue to navigate your way, try new things, fail at new things.

Express yourself in your art. Write what you desire.

Every relationship or friendship doesn’t need closure. The grief you are coming face-to-face with may need acceptance, grace and even time to simply pass. Remember that relationships aren’t possessions, they are experiences. You deserve to experience what once was, what is now and who you are growing to be through your own personal healing and satisfaction. In various aspects, what is meant to be, will be. Show up for yourself, forgive yourself. You’ve accepted the fact that you aren’t perfect, so live.

Therapy has been a tremendous growing space for you, continue with it. I encourage you to reach new levels of honesty, face what you fear and allow therapy to hold you accountable. Address the issues you have with yourself, in a bold manner. The nurturing relationship you have with therapy, continue to hold it at your standard to strengthen your mental health and be in partnership with your self-awareness and emotional intelligence.

Be honest about the things you enjoy. Be honest about the things that bring you pleasure, satisfaction, joy and essentially peace.

Heather what are those things?

I love, love.

I love romance, experiencing honesty, sharing warm linens with someone, legs connected underneath. As the sun rays may creep through slightly cracked blinds the morning after, a shared space of silence is appreciated. I love romance novels, fine champagne, Black silk robes, jazz music, red wine, smoked gouda.

I enjoy intimacy, self-luxurious activities. I enjoy experiences.

I enjoy sex.

I enjoy freedom.

Heather, make sure you allow yourself the space, time and fulfillment to enjoy these things every chance you get. Take more chances on yourself.

Just because you can carry the load, doesn’t mean you should have to. Over time, you’ve learned the true benefit of asking for help, setting pride aside to be honest with yourself and others when help is needed in various aspects. Please, no longer harm yourself in physical, emotional and mental aspects to prove it can be done. Allow others to show up for you.

Vulnerability is also strength. You’ve learned to become empowered by your story, your journey and those who choose to continuously choose to see the authenticity within you. Reflect on where you feel the safest, your most authentic, where is your mental health and peace most respected?

This is just a short note that I comprised as I was reflective on what gratitude has looked like for me these past few weeks, turning into months. Expressing my thoughts and feelings during a time of all my emotions sharing what I like to describe as a dinner table, has been helpful in seeing the beauty in transition and change.

At this new beginning, I am understanding that I am both a soft and strong woman with a deep appreciation of authentic feelings. Being able to navigate with a beautiful heart, allowing myself to feel and experience the natural joys of life is truly something I am looking forward to expanding.

I’m welcoming this new decade with an abundance of gratitude. I’m going to allow my expectations to be exceeded by choosing faith over fear. My ability to become more self-aware is vital as I make conscious decisions that are conducive to my growth.

Hello 30.

Heather J.

Patience: A Sunday Journal Note

taken from my journal:

I decided to spend time with patience this morning.

What is your favorite day of the week and why is it Sunday? For me, Sunday feels like the opportunity to reset intentionally when other days I often feel rushed and disingenuous with my intentionality.

The relationship with patience and I can be a bit imbalanced. I often find myself allowing the acceptance of patience to creep in and settle. Having patience with myself has been quite challenging lately and the thought of being patient during my current season has been coupled with worry and anxiety.

While experiencing the feeling of serenity, fear will then come along and my present self feels the need to rush past the feeling of calm, stillness and patience. I’ve often struggled with just letting things be.

Every day, I am choosing to nurse my wounds, sit with discomfort, allow myself to grieve and heal in my own timing. As time passes, I’m learning more about grief as I read about the subject and I’ve been able to identify the stages in which I’m in with grief. I am allowing myself to grieve feelings I don’t fully accept and grieve the loss of connections.

Increasing patience with myself is the goal.

I’ve made the commitment to embrace Sunday JOY.

Sunday Joy is simply allowing myself GRACE. It’s filling in wide spaces of puzzling thoughts with patience, allowing it to stay. It’s embracing peace and stillness.

For me, it’s allowing the sun to creep upon me in the most subtle way possible, the stillness in my bedroom to cause me to reflect and my personal views of self-care to be expanded. Sunday Joy includes smiles, tears, laughter, reflection and even thoughts of growth; its my personal space to elevate myself in the best way possible.

Simply a form of being.

Allowing patience to be present.

Adapting to Seasons: Extended Note

You.

Yes YOU. I see You.

Time feels like it is gradually moving by at a slow but steady pace and other times it feels like it's moving rapid and quickly without allowing yourself time to stop, gaze and catch your breath.

Your high standards, innovation and futuristic strengths often play a key role in where you see yourself in life, both in the present and future. Don’t be so hard on yourself in this moment.

You may often sit, look around and ask where your blessing is. Through all the challenges, growing pains, laughter & tears, you still wonder when your feeling of peace and breakthrough will present itself. 

The concept of patience for you, may be thoughts centered on your next career move, the yearning for stability in certain aspects of your life, developing a new craft or committing to change. Sometimes, it's not having all the answers when in fact you just wish you did. 

Even if it's one answer to push you in the right direction. 

From past experiences, you may have learned that rushing things with your own set agenda and lack of focus isn't always what's best but your optimism and positive spirit took everything as a "lesson learned. " So why is it different now? Maybe because you don't want to swim in a sea of regret or repeat the same mistakes you once made.

Word from the wise, allow yourself some compassion and grace while trying to figure this thing called "life" out. Don't feel pressured to have all the answers in a split moment or in the coming days.

Don't allow yourself to be a victim of self sabotage, celebrate YOUR JOY and the need to want to see your accomplishments come to fruition. Celebrate small wins and accomplishments.

There is value in reflecting on how far you've come. To see yourself and the growth you've made over the years is something within itself to celebrate. The habits you've broken, the relationships you've ended, the toxicity that you've wiped clean out of your life has helped you elevate to new heights, even if you don’t see it right away. That within itself deserves a celebration. 

We are bound to change our goals, dreams and aspirations and that is okay. You will continue to meet people who awaken a spark inside of you, let it flow abundantly. Someone may enter into your life and see you better than you see yourself in many positive ways, allow it to reveal itself.

Allow yourself to feel, self-process, reflect and even wonder but don't dwell on an intended timeline because some of the best destinations have the most beautiful, eye-opening, fun, often times confusing but worthwhile journey's with many captivating experiences along the way. 

To the person reading this extended note of affirmation,

I see you.

Because I needed this self-love note myself.

This is OUR note, OUR reminder:

We are worthy of rest and all good things coming our way. We are doing well. We are doing our best.

Releasing From My Grasp

While battling waves of sadness and re-visited grief in multiple days at a time, I find that’s where I can light my creative candle. It is during times of scattered thoughts, disbelief and echoes that I discover what I need to release desperately from my tight grasp.

“What am I being called to let go of?”

— WW (IG: @womanwriting)

Parts of myself are shedding.

I’m being called to let go of this negative thought attached to how I once viewed forgiveness. I’ve developed more intentional ways to connect with myself, forgiving Heather’s old self; realizing that the mistakes I’ve made in the past do not define me.

Digging beneath the surface, to the core, I am being called to let go of this fulfillment of being everything to everyone except myself. I have found myself giving to the point of empty, when my hands have been to the point of fragility unable to hold anything more. I’ve learned that all things break, including myself when I refuse to let go of this fear of asking for help.

The space between where I’ve been and where I’m going, I’m letting go of the fear of taking on other individuals projected thoughts and opinions about my personal journey. The path that I have chosen has revealed a courage, strength and overall resiliency within me that has been found through the depths of tears and faith.

Broken instruments still play beautiful melodies of perseverance.

My grasp has loosened and is ready to release the things no longer meant for me along this path that once worked during a time of abundance. I’ve looked in the mirror and affirmed myself that it is okay to change my mind, it is okay to want more and desire more. A beautiful human with a kind heart in my life reminded me that I deserve the life I want without qualifying statements.

So I am releasing the need of over explaining myself.

I am letting go of the explanations, pre-context and the fear of reaction to the decisions I choose to make for myself within this life.

As I journal and reflect of the thought of letting go, seasons changing, and the shift in my perspective, I can be grateful for the space of reflection and growth.

The aches in my & bones

Strains in my heartstrings being pulled

Salty tear ducts

Running endlessly through my night terrors

Is a strengthened version of myself reminding me that it is time to truly and indefinitely begin to

Release from my grasp and LET GO.

A Note to Self: You Deserve

Forgive yourself as many times as you need to.

Understand that the decisions you’ve made, the relationships you’ve cultivated and the time that you’ve spent working toward your purpose has value.

What harm can come from you moving toward a more meaningful and fulfilling life?

At times, the part of self that shows up for you is fearful, doubtful and can be second-guessing; that doesn’t mean that you aren’t capable of greatness.

But what about the part of self that is truly going after what you want in life? The part of self that is truly captivated by what sparks a flame and creative joy within you that says “I’ve got this!”

Everyone has purpose.

You have purpose.

You are doing the best you can with what you’ve got. You’ve used information that you had during a time in your life to make decisions to move toward what you wanted and saw alignment in.

“You deserve the life you want without qualifying statements”

— My Amazing Mentor, Ashlee Roberts

It’s okay if you change your mind. It is absolutely okay if your wants and needs change to fit the life you are seeking now.

You deserve rest. You deserve breaks. You deserve clarity. You deserve peace. You deserve love. You deserve space. You deserve kindness. You deserve JOY. You deserve healthy interactions. You deserve happiness. You deserve luxury. You deserve change. You deserve YOU.

Allow yourself to become more appreciative of the simple beauty within your life, beauty that is often overlooked due to this constant rapid moving in life; the constant need to be busy, productive. Reflect on how you view gratitude in your life in relation to relationships, meaningful relationships. Relationships that allow you to be authentically yourself.

Most importantly, allow yourself Grace.

Sincerely,

A note to self and anyone who needs it.

cooking as a form of healing: anxious Black woman

My sensation and JOY after a long day is smooth soulful jazz, a glass (or two) of Pinot Noir and something well-seasoned in my oven. Thursday evenings are usually reserved for MY self-date and solo-celebration evenings where I spend intentional and uninterrupted time with Heather. This past Thursday evening, I had the sounds of Sade blaring through my speakers, a glass of Pinot Noir accompanying me in the kitchen AND my dinner in the oven.

Thursday Night’s Dinner Menu: (Appetizer) Fried Green Tomatoes with Goat Cheese & Sriracha (Main Meal) Pan-Seared Steak (Seasoned with Rosemary & Garlic), Oven-Roasted Red Potatoes (With Dill) and Lemon & Herb Marinated Sauteed Kale.

Cooking is a form of expressing creativity, experiencing peace and overall spending time with self. I’ve allowed cooking to be a place of serenity for me and a place of escape. When I feel myself becoming overwhelmed by my emotions, I cook.

I often struggle with sitting in “uncomfortable emotions” due to this constant need of being productive to mask my frustrations (although it helps, it isn’t healthy). Cooking helps me relieve any tension, anxiety or worry that I may experience.

Living with anxiety and depression can be challenging.

I’m consistently growing through my challenges while seeking and receiving the help & support needed to function on a daily basis; pulling myself out of anxiety attacks weekly is a heavy burden to bear. Cooking and expressing myself through writing, specifically poetry, helps calm my anxieties; but it doesn’t erase my anxiety or magically make my anxiety go away.

What it does do, is it allows me to be in a separate place for awhile. It allows me to surpass suffocation from the exhaustion of perfection. Cooking and writing allows me to be free, innovative and discover new pieces of myself I didn’t know existed because of .. my anxiety.

As time has passed, I’ve worked through my ability to be authentic with myself and understand that vulnerability is a gift to myself as I work through my healing. I am grateful for my skill of cooking, I am beyond grateful for the beautiful souls within my life that allow me to be me authentically me and whole without an apology. My love for those transcends to a height unimaginable.

Love Through Music

My Creative Recipe

Music Brings Me JOY While Cooking

A Seat At The Table, TRULY got me through some of the most challenging moments during my twenties-chapter. I still reflect on what that album did for me.

Waiting to Exhale, NOW! This soundtrack, I listen to weekly and Babyface knew what he was doing with this writing and the collaborations; such powerful BLACK women on this project.

India Arie, WELL. Anything by this woman is absolutely phenomenal and life changing. Specifically, Voyage to India and Songversation.

I’ve come to the realization that what I need most on days where I feel stagnant is my cooking & creativity. I need peace, patience and the space to fail, pick myself up and try again. To recognize the light within myself that ignites a passion that I’m able to fulfill. I need to stand firm in the reconstructed boundaries I set for myself and others.

What I need most is to recognize that I am human and I am not defined by my past of the things I’m continuously learning and unlearning through this transition.

Take your time.

Love yourself more.

Love, Heather

@shecooks.too

My Cup: Standing Firm In Personal Boundaries

The sunlight serves a beautiful purpose each morning when I wake up. The sun plays hide & seek in between my slightly cracked blinds and the rays hit my bare skin with a blistering heat. Before I close my eyes at night, I often contemplate on closing those slightly cracked blinds but I enjoy the moonlight lighting up my bedroom space and the shadows on my ceiling.

My mornings have become routine, anxiety hits me before I even reposition myself to get out of bed and I usually have the tendency to talk to myself, positive affirmations, before I say good morning to my dog child, Ava.

It’s two weeks before my birthday and I am in an agonizing funk.

I’m slightly overwhelmed. Being a Black woman in pain, suffering in an excruciating silence.

While continuously striving to be the best woman I can be, perform as an academic scholar, be all the things I’m expected to be and heal through tough transitions has been heavy. Transitions that involve academia, job-function and all the things us twenty-somethings go through.

Lately,

My days have been extremely long, my dreams have become ultimately bizarre, I feel as though I’ve met my new therapist in a past life (she is amazing) and overall I’m just doing the best I can with what I’ve got.

Setting personal boundaries is something I’ve been diligently working on within myself over time, through countless therapy sessions, recent experiences and just the overall concept of exhaustion.

Throughout the month of July, I’ve been in the hospital 3 times. Yes 3. The current pandemic has things off balance and a bit all over the place but I’ve been hospitalized due to stress and exhaustion, and having anxiety plays a key role as well. I’ve had sinus infections, strep throat and all the things other than COVID-19 but I’ve still been in a personal panic. Now within that, I’ve also been battling racial battle fatigue on a daily basis.

Now. I’m in a doctorate program, working full-time, holding myself accountable to various outside writing projects, balancing a social life (while social distancing) and being just overall human. I have quite a bit on my plate and not adhering to reasonable boundaries has had me in a bind, a tight bind.

Boundaries

“I would like to set some boundaries moving forward. Please be mindful of the times frames in which you choose to reach out to me. This has happened more than once at an extremely late house. I hope you can adhere to my boundaries. ”

— Heather J

Boundaries are something I’ve struggled with throughout my life. As I’ve gotten older and really have dug deep into therapy, opening up childhood wounds; a lot of my conditioning and core beliefs around boundaries began in my childhood. I’m the oldest of four, I’ve always taken on extreme leadership in both the home and school but most importantly, I think a lot of key things within my identity as a Black woman and continued development has caused me to believe to be all things to all people.

My Cup: Standing Firm in Personal Boundaries and Not Feeling Guilty For Saying “No”

During this pandemic, what has stood out to me the most is how I respond during times of uncertainty and unrest. As a Black woman, I’ve been more mindful of what I allow to take up space in my mind, presence and overall being. It’s crucial to identify blockage, challenges and changes you desire to make; control what you can control, yes, but my response has a been equally important.

I’m battling everyday with this concept of fight or flight response.

I’ve been second-guessing myself, passing up on opportunities and even shying away from my greatness. My relationships with friends have been tested, true colors have come to the surface and I’ve overall tapped into this self-awareness that has been buried all along. My boundaries and what I allow has shifted. Although, I am working through quite a bit in therapy, keeping a daily journal and seeking God daily & praying for discernment, I’m disciplined in keeping my word. Pay attention to the shift in your boundaries and what you allow.

Each day is a new day to learn from the previous day, hour or week. I’ve shifted my way of thinking toward trying to learn from decisions I’ve made or thoughts I’ve had. Anxiety has my thinking all over the place but with great friends, outlets and therapy, even that has gotten better.

Reflect on the type of life you want to create for yourself. Will that life require sacrifices in friendships, decisions and an overall way of being? YES, it just may. Working toward a better me if the ultimate goal and protecting my peace and staying true to my boundaries is my ultimate goal.

I challenge you to set intentional boundaries for yourself and continue to communicate when you notice someone violating yours.

Love,

Heather J.

@shecooks.too

Soul Connections: Korin

The next day,

Reoccurring thoughts played through my mind as I reflected upon the place of serenity in which I had been taken. I had been taken to a place of peace, fantasy and even expectation. The expectation came from a familiar feeling that mirror-imaged a slight remembrance.

Korin Alivia appeared.

She had your eye structure, cheek bones and even your smile. A smile that doesn’t even compete with the sun rays on the brightest days. We dreamed of this moment, and there she was.

Words re-appeared that had a deeper meaning in a beginning no one saw coming. A thrilling beginning that brought joy, the feeling of newness and the overall beginning of an unfamiliar but worthwhile journey.

The next day,

Gratitude arose at its peak. It payed me a visit during my vulnerable state of being.

My sense of smell reached new heights, my heart grew full and my overall memory was taken to a place of serendipity. I am grateful, forever grateful for time, patience, understanding and deeper depths.

I am grateful for the soul connection shared between her and the agave.

I am grateful for,

Love.

Letting Go: Be Patient With Yourself

Draft: February 11th, 2019

Letting go, is a form of self-care.

Letting go of the need to control every aspect of my life has been a common theme that I’m ready to speak on transparently. I owe it to myself to free the space in my mind for more positive thinking.

Continuously placing myself on my own intended timeline in life has created great anxiety, it has erased the JOY I feel in the current moment and often times it makes me feel unworthy.

In fact, I deem myself to be successful, smart, grateful and a woman who is led by God. On some days, it’s hard for me to see the beauty I’ve fought to gain in life because I’m wasting time trying to control every aspect of it.

Gratitude

Having a heart of gratitude goes along with the optimism I carry on a daily basis but I’ve reflected on the idea that I need to do more. It’s easy for us to list the things we are grateful for and I personally have a gratitude journal that I spend time with but what if I began to do more? I began practicing gratitude by verbally expressing to others that I am grateful for the space they hold in my life. I’m grateful for overall forgiveness, forgiveness of myself and the forgiving heart that God is continuously working through with me. I’ve allowed more space and I’ve shown others ways in which I have become more forgiving. I’ve interrupted my daily anxiety with gratitude.

Fear, Fear of Letting Go

I recently had a talk with my therapist about the fear that is attached with “letting go” for me. The fear that if I let go and I don’t have a grasp of what’s going on in my life, I begin to feel like I’m caught up in my own personal tornado. I have this idea, that I need to have control of the things that I apply for, experience and the beautiful things that enter into my life.

Above, this was a blog post that has sat in my draft box since February 11th. Life got to me and I lost grasp of my creativity and I fell of my personal timeline of completing creative projects.

During the month of February, I was stretched to capacity. Stretched in uncomfortable, creative yet successful ways. I found myself in spaces that were often dark and I was in the valley. But I’ve also found myself on the mountain and in spaces where I learned quite a bit about myself, my ability to be patient was tested and my overall FAITH had been tested.

I’m blessed beyond measure. I say that out loud to myself every morning.

Within the two months that I began this blog post above, I started writing during an era of self-doubt and negative self-talk. I can now say that I’ve found light and blessings within my personal struggles. It was hard to cope during my challenging times because I didn’t find the JOY in my writing anymore.

Since then, I my writing has been featured in websites and blogs I read daily to find my personal light.

I’ve relocated to a new city, started a new job, blessed to say that I will be starting my doctoral journey later this year and I am continuously growing in LOVE.

Remember to be kind to yourself.

End Goal: Self-Compassion

"I challenge you to give yourself kindness."

My therapist spoke those words to me and I slightly cringed at the thought of, "I try my hardest to do such a thing - I think I do a good job at it." But the reality of the situation is, I don't. There is always more room to grow, to give and be a beacon of light to myself just a bit more. 

I'm the hardest on myself, I can admit. 

Maybe because I am the one deep down inside who truly knows what I am capable of, so when I produce anything less I can be super critical of myself. 

My profession and natural aptitude of communication, care and compassion has me conditioned to always put others first - continuously pushing out that kindness at often times forgetting about myself. 

I struggle with this concept of telling temporary people permanent things because I love seeing the good in people and I love communication among others; but then I feel bad for opening up. I'm challenging myself with the idea that maybe, just maybe I am teaching someone something along the way with my words. 

Writing deadlines creep upon me like no other, I am critical on myself if I don't have a particular flow because again, I get the final say, right? I'm challenging myself to be more accepting of my work and realizing that it may inspire another. 

I challenge you to give yourself more kindness and grace along the way. Along the way of navigating valid feelings.

Being kind to my body also serves a meaningful purpose. 

“Loving every inch of me from my hair follicles to my toes”

We both will work through the journey of wrapping ourselves in kindness, joy and love.

Self-Compassion is the end goal. 

Letter to my Younger Self

Hey Young One,

Smile, because you want to. Not due to someone else's inability to see your joy and falsely label you. Smile because brighter days are coming and you are here to accept them fully.

Love yourself first. Love yourself first because no one else can give you the self-love, compassion and fulfillment that you must seek within. The journey to self-love isn't easy but allow yourself time to develop. Comparing yourself to someone else's self-love journey will not allow yours to flourish more brightly, it only weakens your pedals. Your pedals are intended to produce love, joy, bright colors, dull colors and everything in between in its own time.

I want you to understand that what you give may not be given back in return but you're a natural giver which means you have to know when to say no. You have to know when to say enough is enough. When you give others pieces of you that require time, energy, and emotion, understand that you are making an investment in which you may or may not get back. So I advise you to learn this as early as you can, but it is okay if you stumble and fall

You cannot pour from an empty cup.

You will be labeled professional, poised, sassy, angry, challenging, tough, conceited, not good enough, difficult, over-achieving, and witty and the list may continue. Just know that the ones who label you aren't writing your story, you are. As you are writing your story, please note that not everyone will subscribe, understand the grammatical errors or know that there are many run-on sentences. Do you. Be You.

Understand that every heartbreak, upset, temporary failure and milestone you reach is for a reason far beyond your understanding. Each setback is a setup for a comeback that will put you in a far better place than you imaged.

You fall hard. You will fall hard. Failed relationships are meant to teach you. Follow your dreams, live out your goals, be a beacon of light to others; there is time. The guy you end up with early on will not be the guy you are within moments to come, but know that over time developing a relationship with self is more valuable than a heartbreak will ever be. Give yourself time to grow, develop and be great!

Develop relationships with others, but also know that when you begin to feel disconnected have a self-check moment and remind yourself that you are worthy.

No need to put all your eggs in one basket. Why? The reason why is because the plans you have set, God has already laughed at and thought otherwise. Where you are now, is not where you thought you'd be a year ago. Trusting him is the best thing you can do along this journey.

“Trying to untangle my knots, Is like telling the ocean to visit quietly”

— Watering Her Roots (H.Macon)

You will evolve into a strong, innovative, brave young woman. Not everyone will be able take on the confidence that you possess. Some won't understand your joy and that's okay. See, they haven't seen where you've been, they don't know where you're going. They don't know what you are capable of? They have no idea. Melanin, Magic, and Magnificence, keep striving.

Lastly, Heather, I want you to give yourself the Grace, kindness and Encouragement that you deserve. Not always hearing it when you needed it along this journey, may hold weight. Understand that you are shaping lives by the day and that matters. Even though you may not hear it, know that your knowledge, growth and power inspires someone.

I'm writing this letter to you because I want you to know that throughout this journey you will grow, you will be tested, you will fail. Hear me, you will fail. But failure is what is going to make you into a strong, courageous woman who in fact will be confident within herself to withstand what is thrown her way. You will be taken on various journeys that the lord intends for you because he wants you to be molded in his image. You can AND WILL weather the storm.