My Cup: Standing Firm In Personal Boundaries

The sunlight serves a beautiful purpose each morning when I wake up. The sun plays hide & seek in between my slightly cracked blinds and the rays hit my bare skin with a blistering heat. Before I close my eyes at night, I often contemplate on closing those slightly cracked blinds but I enjoy the moonlight lighting up my bedroom space and the shadows on my ceiling.

My mornings have become routine, anxiety hits me before I even reposition myself to get out of bed and I usually have the tendency to talk to myself, positive affirmations, before I say good morning to my dog child, Ava.

It’s two weeks before my birthday and I am in an agonizing funk.

I’m slightly overwhelmed. Being a Black woman in pain, suffering in an excruciating silence.

While continuously striving to be the best woman I can be, perform as an academic scholar, be all the things I’m expected to be and heal through tough transitions has been heavy. Transitions that involve academia, job-function and all the things us twenty-somethings go through.

Lately,

My days have been extremely long, my dreams have become ultimately bizarre, I feel as though I’ve met my new therapist in a past life (she is amazing) and overall I’m just doing the best I can with what I’ve got.

Setting personal boundaries is something I’ve been diligently working on within myself over time, through countless therapy sessions, recent experiences and just the overall concept of exhaustion.

Throughout the month of July, I’ve been in the hospital 3 times. Yes 3. The current pandemic has things off balance and a bit all over the place but I’ve been hospitalized due to stress and exhaustion, and having anxiety plays a key role as well. I’ve had sinus infections, strep throat and all the things other than COVID-19 but I’ve still been in a personal panic. Now within that, I’ve also been battling racial battle fatigue on a daily basis.

Now. I’m in a doctorate program, working full-time, holding myself accountable to various outside writing projects, balancing a social life (while social distancing) and being just overall human. I have quite a bit on my plate and not adhering to reasonable boundaries has had me in a bind, a tight bind.

Boundaries

“I would like to set some boundaries moving forward. Please be mindful of the times frames in which you choose to reach out to me. This has happened more than once at an extremely late house. I hope you can adhere to my boundaries. ”

— Heather J

Boundaries are something I’ve struggled with throughout my life. As I’ve gotten older and really have dug deep into therapy, opening up childhood wounds; a lot of my conditioning and core beliefs around boundaries began in my childhood. I’m the oldest of four, I’ve always taken on extreme leadership in both the home and school but most importantly, I think a lot of key things within my identity as a Black woman and continued development has caused me to believe to be all things to all people.

My Cup: Standing Firm in Personal Boundaries and Not Feeling Guilty For Saying “No”

During this pandemic, what has stood out to me the most is how I respond during times of uncertainty and unrest. As a Black woman, I’ve been more mindful of what I allow to take up space in my mind, presence and overall being. It’s crucial to identify blockage, challenges and changes you desire to make; control what you can control, yes, but my response has a been equally important.

I’m battling everyday with this concept of fight or flight response.

I’ve been second-guessing myself, passing up on opportunities and even shying away from my greatness. My relationships with friends have been tested, true colors have come to the surface and I’ve overall tapped into this self-awareness that has been buried all along. My boundaries and what I allow has shifted. Although, I am working through quite a bit in therapy, keeping a daily journal and seeking God daily & praying for discernment, I’m disciplined in keeping my word. Pay attention to the shift in your boundaries and what you allow.

Each day is a new day to learn from the previous day, hour or week. I’ve shifted my way of thinking toward trying to learn from decisions I’ve made or thoughts I’ve had. Anxiety has my thinking all over the place but with great friends, outlets and therapy, even that has gotten better.

Reflect on the type of life you want to create for yourself. Will that life require sacrifices in friendships, decisions and an overall way of being? YES, it just may. Working toward a better me if the ultimate goal and protecting my peace and staying true to my boundaries is my ultimate goal.

I challenge you to set intentional boundaries for yourself and continue to communicate when you notice someone violating yours.

Love,

Heather J.

@shecooks.too

tarnished petals

I think January is my free-trial month.

Saturday evening, I left my therapist’s office feeling better than I did when I walked in, which was a plus but I truly was in a state of deep reflection. She boldly asked me, Heather, when are we going to start teaching people how to treat us? Knowing that I walked in with my heart and mind set on a theme centered on vulnerability. It’s something that I find myself struggling with in different phases of my life, being vulnerable within my writing isn’t as tough as verbally being vulnerable, especially with those closest to me.

In 2019, well, actually for quite some time, I’ve been battling waves of depression and deep anxiety. I think 2019 was the year for me that I realized that I didn’t have to go through challenging times alone but how do I shift my thinking when most of the time, I feel alone? I struggled with balancing relocation, starting a doctoral program, learning a new job and still trying to succeed through accomplishments and accolades that were just hiding a woman struggling with perfectionism. Living in survival mode throughout my entire life and truly navigating hardships and challenges, all I know how to do is “make it work.”

Well, I’m tired. Sis needs a break.

With all that, sometimes I fall into isolation mode and I’m overwhelmed with the expectations from others and even my own crazy expectations that often come with hard deadlines. I think we continuously ask one another on social platforms, who does the strong friend vent to, but in actuality there is a heavy feeling that comes with the thought. I find myself becoming exhausted with continuously holding space for others while not being vulnerable and honest enough to name where I currently may be. I distance myself from anyone who threatens my strengths, questions my competence and doesn’t value my personal space. My therapist challenged me to still hold space for others and remain genuine but be more honest with myself and others during times where I’m down in the valley but appearing to be on the mountaintop.

These days, I’m becoming more self-aware and allowing myself GRACE while trying to name my wants and needs more directly. I also believe, that distinguishing your wants & needs from others truly does help with managing your emotional connections. I’m detaching away from this assumption that others know what I may be struggling with and even being thoughtful enough to check-in on me.

2020,

I am coming to you with love, expectation and abundance. May my heart continuously unfold, may my virtue of patience be strengthened and may my intentions remain pure. A woman of many talents, flaws and desires. I come humbly to reclaim what is mine. I am no longer playing small or minimizing what greatness I have within the deeper depths of me.

“there is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you”

— Maya Angelou

To the woman struggling in her season,

Your spark will return. The light you own that illuminates the world will still shine when you return.

Some days are gold, some days are blue, but you are still worthy, regardless of what hue of colors present themselves.

Trying to unlearn past behaviors and cope with change can be challenging but you’re growing, continue to be true to who you are. Show up and know that you are deserving of all things entering your life. You belong in that space. At times, Impostor syndrome may present itself but know that someone’s believes in you. You will accomplish goals you haven’t even known were possible yet.

You are capable of great things.

So I say this to whomever may be reading, allow yourself to feel, process and heal in your own timing. Our own personal stories make us who we are and contribute to our identities as we navigate through this beautiful life.

My word for 2020 is EXECUTE, time to start doing MORE, speaking less and stop playing with my potential.

This too shall pass.

With love,

Heather J.

@shecooks.too

A Letter To The Woman Who Struggles To Celebrate Herself

To the woman who struggles to celebrate herself, 

I see you. 

Although you may feel as though the crown you wear is chipped, over-sized, and at times too heavy to carry, you and your accomplishments still matter. Your successes and accomplishments are still valid no matter the size, journey or criticized judgment from others around you.

At times, you allow your anxiety to trump your creativity and your own happiness. I'm writing to you because I want to share a message: what you accomplish, create and work toward is larger than that defeat. It may be tough, letting the vibes of anxiety and weariness pass a frequency to you that presses you down making you believe that your self celebrations don't matter. 

Last week, my fellow Queen had to pass a gentle reminder to myself, celebrating yourself is the first step to self-care. If you don't celebrate you first, how can you allow others to celebrate and support you?

Playing superwoman is in your nature. It's invested in you to help, heal and listen to others but who is your superwoman. It can be you, if you allow it to be. You can give yourself the surprise dinners, positive affirmations and pats on the back for accomplishing a milestone no matter the weight. 

No matter how small the accomplishment or how large the failure, the first step is recognizing that you put in the effort to go toward something you wanted. It can be easy to swim into a sea of regret or trip on our words but what matters most is that you tried. 

Struggling with perfectionism is something that has caused blockage in my own journey to celebrating myself; so I'm writing this letter to share that there is beauty in imperfection. Although it may be hard to see, there is someone else who finds your courage, strength and compassion motivating so don't dim your own light.

You can't always expect others to be excited about what God is doing in your life, but what you can work toward is more self-celebration. Your accomplishments are not measured by how many applauds you receive, how many "likes" or comments are posted and your accomplishments are truly not defined by how much someone else accepts them.

You eagerly wait for the "we regret to inform you .." rejection or you expect the worst when submitting your best work. You consistently put your best foot forward but forget to allow yourself grace in the process. At times your charisma and laughter can light up a room but behind closed doors you secretly hide the fact that you are battling between being proud of your current accomplishments and being too hard on yourself, your own worst enemy saying "you need to go a little harder."

As stated above, allow yourself grace. 

You often silence yourself and your accomplishments due to fear of outshining someone else or being criticized for having the motivation and courage to go toward something they may actually want but are too afraid themselves; GO FOR IT. 

Don't allow yourself to be a victim of self sabotage, celebrate your joy and the need to want to see your accomplishments come to fruition. 

There is value in reflecting on how far you've come. To see yourself and the growth you've made over the years is something within itself to celebrate. The habits you've broken, the relationships you've ended, the toxicity that you've wiped clean out of your life has helped you elevate to new heights, it deserves a celebration. 

So when you pick up your pen to create art, when you book a solo trip, when you apply for that job or institution, most importantly when you overall do something that you want to do that allows all your courage, strength and self-belief, celebrate yourself and it's accomplishment.

Celebrate yourself more in 2018 and beyond! Acknowledge even the small accomplishments. 

To the woman who struggles to celebrate herself,

I see you. 

Signed,

A black woman working toward celebrating herself, her crown and all the failures that make the successes worth it!