Replenish

How do you begin to heal the parts of yourself that are screaming to be free?

The parts of yourself that are seeping through your surface of delicacy with a bitter aroma, that sweet juices are unable to balance out? When does the part of yourself that wants inner peace begin to set accountable boundaries for change?

Go back to your origin story.

The story that you effortlessly began writing before your ability to see your desires clearly were damaged. For quite some time, an uncomfortable chapter in my life allowed me to be in an unfamiliar place where feelings of doubt, inadequacy and exhaustion were in control.

As my story is continuing to be written, still with many errors and cliff hangers, I’ve developed a stronger desire to indulge in what brings me pleasure, a sense of clarity and overall joy. Two weeks before my birthday, feelings have not yet set in that I made the bold decision to choose myself. I’ve been an individual on an indifferent pathway, often alone, that comes with its pros and cons. There has been this constant thrill in my life, that has afforded me many desirable experiences.

I am enjoying myself effortlessly, even though my milestone at this age may look a bit different than others within my community. My perspective on my writing, need for captivating pleasure, and peace of mind are priorities within my life during this chapter.

Time is unfolding and my pages are being written with the courage to set better boundaries with myself. Revisiting old thoughts, old feelings and releasing old habits will aid in my process to move forward. The power that comes along with setting better boundaries is an inner feeling that protects my well-being.

I begin my mornings with solitude, stillness and thoughts of intimacy. The kind of intimacy that awakens my soul, creates beautiful imagery in my mind and allows me to escape for seconds that transition into silent minutes.

I am replenishing intimacy with myself.

Water and natural oils roll off my structure, I study it as I begin to affirm the places dissociated from the rest. My continued exploration of self allows me to reexamine my wants and needs; my ability to be delicate and loving is shown in the rhythm of my fingertips. Our time together is uninterrupted, listening is intentionally is balanced as kind words are transmitted at a frequency attainable.

When I close my eyes and visit my favorite place, I am taken to a destination of luxury. A destination that includes rest, patience, books and all the sexual fantasies one could name. In my dreams is where my destination of luxury often visits me, but now I am visualizing it in the present form. I am surrounded by large bodies of water and souls that allow freedom and comfort to transcend between our connection.

“Within the celebration of the erotic in all our endeavors, my work becomes a conscious decision a long-for bed which I enter gratefully and from which I rise up empowered.”

— The Erotic as Power, Audre Lorde (1978)

The distant relationship between my pen and journal pages have met again. The distant relationship between the two was causing a silent disruption in my own life and my comfort was stifled. Creativity is a fuel that drives many of my pleasures in this life.

During this time of replenishing, it is my goal to sit with my work, sit with my joy and allow time and space to guide me. I think releasing the need to control but experiencing life as it comes has truly had a benefit in how I engage with myself (and others), which has made for more genuine connection in my life.

My origin story allows me to unfold organically and abundantly. It is only when I am honest with myself where I can fully grasp onto what I am missing and what needs to be replenished.

Replenishing my days with intentional rest is a continued priority for me. I am entering into a chapter where the need for both joy and peace must exist for me to feel a a sense of home. I desire to journey through a space where my creativity is not hindered by self-doubt and fear.

Chapter 30: Replenish

My Cup: Standing Firm In Personal Boundaries

The sunlight serves a beautiful purpose each morning when I wake up. The sun plays hide & seek in between my slightly cracked blinds and the rays hit my bare skin with a blistering heat. Before I close my eyes at night, I often contemplate on closing those slightly cracked blinds but I enjoy the moonlight lighting up my bedroom space and the shadows on my ceiling.

My mornings have become routine, anxiety hits me before I even reposition myself to get out of bed and I usually have the tendency to talk to myself, positive affirmations, before I say good morning to my dog child, Ava.

It’s two weeks before my birthday and I am in an agonizing funk.

I’m slightly overwhelmed. Being a Black woman in pain, suffering in an excruciating silence.

While continuously striving to be the best woman I can be, perform as an academic scholar, be all the things I’m expected to be and heal through tough transitions has been heavy. Transitions that involve academia, job-function and all the things us twenty-somethings go through.

Lately,

My days have been extremely long, my dreams have become ultimately bizarre, I feel as though I’ve met my new therapist in a past life (she is amazing) and overall I’m just doing the best I can with what I’ve got.

Setting personal boundaries is something I’ve been diligently working on within myself over time, through countless therapy sessions, recent experiences and just the overall concept of exhaustion.

Throughout the month of July, I’ve been in the hospital 3 times. Yes 3. The current pandemic has things off balance and a bit all over the place but I’ve been hospitalized due to stress and exhaustion, and having anxiety plays a key role as well. I’ve had sinus infections, strep throat and all the things other than COVID-19 but I’ve still been in a personal panic. Now within that, I’ve also been battling racial battle fatigue on a daily basis.

Now. I’m in a doctorate program, working full-time, holding myself accountable to various outside writing projects, balancing a social life (while social distancing) and being just overall human. I have quite a bit on my plate and not adhering to reasonable boundaries has had me in a bind, a tight bind.

Boundaries

“I would like to set some boundaries moving forward. Please be mindful of the times frames in which you choose to reach out to me. This has happened more than once at an extremely late house. I hope you can adhere to my boundaries. ”

— Heather J

Boundaries are something I’ve struggled with throughout my life. As I’ve gotten older and really have dug deep into therapy, opening up childhood wounds; a lot of my conditioning and core beliefs around boundaries began in my childhood. I’m the oldest of four, I’ve always taken on extreme leadership in both the home and school but most importantly, I think a lot of key things within my identity as a Black woman and continued development has caused me to believe to be all things to all people.

My Cup: Standing Firm in Personal Boundaries and Not Feeling Guilty For Saying “No”

During this pandemic, what has stood out to me the most is how I respond during times of uncertainty and unrest. As a Black woman, I’ve been more mindful of what I allow to take up space in my mind, presence and overall being. It’s crucial to identify blockage, challenges and changes you desire to make; control what you can control, yes, but my response has a been equally important.

I’m battling everyday with this concept of fight or flight response.

I’ve been second-guessing myself, passing up on opportunities and even shying away from my greatness. My relationships with friends have been tested, true colors have come to the surface and I’ve overall tapped into this self-awareness that has been buried all along. My boundaries and what I allow has shifted. Although, I am working through quite a bit in therapy, keeping a daily journal and seeking God daily & praying for discernment, I’m disciplined in keeping my word. Pay attention to the shift in your boundaries and what you allow.

Each day is a new day to learn from the previous day, hour or week. I’ve shifted my way of thinking toward trying to learn from decisions I’ve made or thoughts I’ve had. Anxiety has my thinking all over the place but with great friends, outlets and therapy, even that has gotten better.

Reflect on the type of life you want to create for yourself. Will that life require sacrifices in friendships, decisions and an overall way of being? YES, it just may. Working toward a better me if the ultimate goal and protecting my peace and staying true to my boundaries is my ultimate goal.

I challenge you to set intentional boundaries for yourself and continue to communicate when you notice someone violating yours.

Love,

Heather J.

@shecooks.too

Soul Connections: Korin

The next day,

Reoccurring thoughts played through my mind as I reflected upon the place of serenity in which I had been taken. I had been taken to a place of peace, fantasy and even expectation. The expectation came from a familiar feeling that mirror-imaged a slight remembrance.

Korin Alivia appeared.

She had your eye structure, cheek bones and even your smile. A smile that doesn’t even compete with the sun rays on the brightest days. We dreamed of this moment, and there she was.

Words re-appeared that had a deeper meaning in a beginning no one saw coming. A thrilling beginning that brought joy, the feeling of newness and the overall beginning of an unfamiliar but worthwhile journey.

The next day,

Gratitude arose at its peak. It payed me a visit during my vulnerable state of being.

My sense of smell reached new heights, my heart grew full and my overall memory was taken to a place of serendipity. I am grateful, forever grateful for time, patience, understanding and deeper depths.

I am grateful for the soul connection shared between her and the agave.

I am grateful for,

Love.

Letting Go: Be Patient With Yourself

Draft: February 11th, 2019

Letting go, is a form of self-care.

Letting go of the need to control every aspect of my life has been a common theme that I’m ready to speak on transparently. I owe it to myself to free the space in my mind for more positive thinking.

Continuously placing myself on my own intended timeline in life has created great anxiety, it has erased the JOY I feel in the current moment and often times it makes me feel unworthy.

In fact, I deem myself to be successful, smart, grateful and a woman who is led by God. On some days, it’s hard for me to see the beauty I’ve fought to gain in life because I’m wasting time trying to control every aspect of it.

Gratitude

Having a heart of gratitude goes along with the optimism I carry on a daily basis but I’ve reflected on the idea that I need to do more. It’s easy for us to list the things we are grateful for and I personally have a gratitude journal that I spend time with but what if I began to do more? I began practicing gratitude by verbally expressing to others that I am grateful for the space they hold in my life. I’m grateful for overall forgiveness, forgiveness of myself and the forgiving heart that God is continuously working through with me. I’ve allowed more space and I’ve shown others ways in which I have become more forgiving. I’ve interrupted my daily anxiety with gratitude.

Fear, Fear of Letting Go

I recently had a talk with my therapist about the fear that is attached with “letting go” for me. The fear that if I let go and I don’t have a grasp of what’s going on in my life, I begin to feel like I’m caught up in my own personal tornado. I have this idea, that I need to have control of the things that I apply for, experience and the beautiful things that enter into my life.

Above, this was a blog post that has sat in my draft box since February 11th. Life got to me and I lost grasp of my creativity and I fell of my personal timeline of completing creative projects.

During the month of February, I was stretched to capacity. Stretched in uncomfortable, creative yet successful ways. I found myself in spaces that were often dark and I was in the valley. But I’ve also found myself on the mountain and in spaces where I learned quite a bit about myself, my ability to be patient was tested and my overall FAITH had been tested.

I’m blessed beyond measure. I say that out loud to myself every morning.

Within the two months that I began this blog post above, I started writing during an era of self-doubt and negative self-talk. I can now say that I’ve found light and blessings within my personal struggles. It was hard to cope during my challenging times because I didn’t find the JOY in my writing anymore.

Since then, I my writing has been featured in websites and blogs I read daily to find my personal light.

I’ve relocated to a new city, started a new job, blessed to say that I will be starting my doctoral journey later this year and I am continuously growing in LOVE.

Remember to be kind to yourself.

End Goal: Self-Compassion

"I challenge you to give yourself kindness."

My therapist spoke those words to me and I slightly cringed at the thought of, "I try my hardest to do such a thing - I think I do a good job at it." But the reality of the situation is, I don't. There is always more room to grow, to give and be a beacon of light to myself just a bit more. 

I'm the hardest on myself, I can admit. 

Maybe because I am the one deep down inside who truly knows what I am capable of, so when I produce anything less I can be super critical of myself. 

My profession and natural aptitude of communication, care and compassion has me conditioned to always put others first - continuously pushing out that kindness at often times forgetting about myself. 

I struggle with this concept of telling temporary people permanent things because I love seeing the good in people and I love communication among others; but then I feel bad for opening up. I'm challenging myself with the idea that maybe, just maybe I am teaching someone something along the way with my words. 

Writing deadlines creep upon me like no other, I am critical on myself if I don't have a particular flow because again, I get the final say, right? I'm challenging myself to be more accepting of my work and realizing that it may inspire another. 

I challenge you to give yourself more kindness and grace along the way. Along the way of navigating valid feelings.

Being kind to my body also serves a meaningful purpose. 

“Loving every inch of me from my hair follicles to my toes”

We both will work through the journey of wrapping ourselves in kindness, joy and love.

Self-Compassion is the end goal. 

May Her Roots Be Watered

May, 

I'm taking the time to continue to celebrate myself and all the accomplishments, achievements, joys (regardless of the size) and overall milestones I've reached. 

It was early morning, before the sun rise when we met. The feeling of new beginnings overwhelmed me and the thought of entering a new season brought an upward curve to me face. 

During National Poetry month, I was able to see the fruits of my labor by releasing a well-overdue project, but a project that allowed me to share my truths, swim in my own self-affirmations and shed light on the importance of healing, growth and abundance. 

"Watering Her Roots," is indeed an introduction as to how I am going to continue to live out my life, polish my crown and walk with Grace. 

May, my focus is alignment; I've been in a great place and I owe that to the  development of the mindset supporting release. If it's for me, it's for me. If something isn't for me, it will easily slip from my grasp and I will pray for peace. 

Forgiveness is on the forefront of my mind and will be the theme blended with expressions of gratitude as we make it to the halfway mark of 2018. 

I am attracting everything that is for my highest good. New opportunities, new energy, new mindset and new connections. 

A Letter To The Woman Who Struggles To Celebrate Herself

To the woman who struggles to celebrate herself, 

I see you. 

Although you may feel as though the crown you wear is chipped, over-sized, and at times too heavy to carry, you and your accomplishments still matter. Your successes and accomplishments are still valid no matter the size, journey or criticized judgment from others around you.

At times, you allow your anxiety to trump your creativity and your own happiness. I'm writing to you because I want to share a message: what you accomplish, create and work toward is larger than that defeat. It may be tough, letting the vibes of anxiety and weariness pass a frequency to you that presses you down making you believe that your self celebrations don't matter. 

Last week, my fellow Queen had to pass a gentle reminder to myself, celebrating yourself is the first step to self-care. If you don't celebrate you first, how can you allow others to celebrate and support you?

Playing superwoman is in your nature. It's invested in you to help, heal and listen to others but who is your superwoman. It can be you, if you allow it to be. You can give yourself the surprise dinners, positive affirmations and pats on the back for accomplishing a milestone no matter the weight. 

No matter how small the accomplishment or how large the failure, the first step is recognizing that you put in the effort to go toward something you wanted. It can be easy to swim into a sea of regret or trip on our words but what matters most is that you tried. 

Struggling with perfectionism is something that has caused blockage in my own journey to celebrating myself; so I'm writing this letter to share that there is beauty in imperfection. Although it may be hard to see, there is someone else who finds your courage, strength and compassion motivating so don't dim your own light.

You can't always expect others to be excited about what God is doing in your life, but what you can work toward is more self-celebration. Your accomplishments are not measured by how many applauds you receive, how many "likes" or comments are posted and your accomplishments are truly not defined by how much someone else accepts them.

You eagerly wait for the "we regret to inform you .." rejection or you expect the worst when submitting your best work. You consistently put your best foot forward but forget to allow yourself grace in the process. At times your charisma and laughter can light up a room but behind closed doors you secretly hide the fact that you are battling between being proud of your current accomplishments and being too hard on yourself, your own worst enemy saying "you need to go a little harder."

As stated above, allow yourself grace. 

You often silence yourself and your accomplishments due to fear of outshining someone else or being criticized for having the motivation and courage to go toward something they may actually want but are too afraid themselves; GO FOR IT. 

Don't allow yourself to be a victim of self sabotage, celebrate your joy and the need to want to see your accomplishments come to fruition. 

There is value in reflecting on how far you've come. To see yourself and the growth you've made over the years is something within itself to celebrate. The habits you've broken, the relationships you've ended, the toxicity that you've wiped clean out of your life has helped you elevate to new heights, it deserves a celebration. 

So when you pick up your pen to create art, when you book a solo trip, when you apply for that job or institution, most importantly when you overall do something that you want to do that allows all your courage, strength and self-belief, celebrate yourself and it's accomplishment.

Celebrate yourself more in 2018 and beyond! Acknowledge even the small accomplishments. 

To the woman who struggles to celebrate herself,

I see you. 

Signed,

A black woman working toward celebrating herself, her crown and all the failures that make the successes worth it!

Closed For Self-Care: A Well Deserved Break For You.

Sorry we're closed. 

Yes, Me, Myself & I. 

You know that dreadful feeling you get when you walk up to a store with hopes that they will be open, even if it's only the last 5 minutes. Your mind is completely set on what it is that you need, if only you could have made it on time before you read: Sorry, we're closed. 

Sunday evening self-care is always a time of reflection for me. I develop new ways of thinking, I often meditate on how I am going to approach the week and I challenge myself to practice patience better than the week before. Sounds nice right? I agree, it does. But one thing I fail at continuously is extending myself a little too much to others without even checking in with myself. I quite frequently find myself drained, drained from all the unhealthy conversations I allow in my personal space, the subscriptions I have to other people's issues and the challenges I face daily personally while still finding time to help others and commit to extra projects.  

Well, I am closed; closed for personal care, closed for personal maintenance, closed for self-care. 

I've taken my services off the shelf, I am no longer marking my time as a "clearance" item and I am definitely returning all items described as other people's "mess." 

What good are we to others if we aren't good to ourselves first? How often do we listen to the lives of others and all of their negativity until it begins to weigh heavy? I often sit, reflect and I’ve come up with a valid conclusion, close for two-weeks for some re-modeling. Better yet, maybe you should close for as long as you need to. 

Remodeling is checking in with self; it’s finding new ways to care for yourself and pay attention to your own wants & needs. You don't have to respond to texts right away, you don't need to be at someone's beck & call, you surely don't need to put your own well-being on the back burner. If you're similar to me, you've naturally taken on the role as a healer/giver, listener, and someone who can fix everything with just lending an ear. Yes, those attributes are great, I often am flattered to take on any leadership capability if needed, offer advice and pour into others; it was done for me, and for that I am truly grateful. But there comes a time when you will hit burn-out, compassion fatigue and eventually that can turn into bitterness. 

At times the same love, compassion, genuine helpfulness and frequent check-ins aren't always offered in return but it's furthermore a supporting factor to shut down business. Shut down for self-care for as long as you may need. 

My sign will read:

"We're closed. The mind, body and soul of a continuous giver needs this time to check-in with self. We are closed for fertilization and growth in multiple areas that contribute to personal well-being. If you've stopped by to complain, nag, whine and only think about yourself, turn around, drink some water and do a self-check-in. See you soon.

I encourage you to check-in with yourself and decide when you need to close and for how long. When you re-open what will be different? What will you discontinue, take off the shelf and not allow to return to your space?

We must first serve ourselves, fall deeply in love with the fact that our own mental well-being and desires come first.

Heather J. Macon