This morning as I watched the sun rise, a color of burnt sienna, I played what felt like a never-ending game of a tussle with my sheets. Waking up from a beautifully vivid dream, sleeping in peace was a place I wanted to stay. This still quiet Sunday morning I laid in bed much later than usual which was met with an abundant feeling a gratitude.

Expressing gratitude verbally aloud to myself is a practice I became more intentional with in my 29th year.

Waking up in my 30th year is a blessing.

Understanding more of who I am, what my wants and needs are, while navigating change has been a transformative journey within itself. As I am still celebrating my birthday weekend, I am in a place of peace, stillness and rest. I’ve experienced my own luxury which includes many books, red wine, comfortable silence, fine dining, journaling and tears. Yes, the evening of my birthday, the tears just flowed. I didn’t even try to mask the feeling of being untrue to anything other than what was present.

For the past few weeks I’ve been grieving change, loss of friendships, transitions, out with the old, my own recognizable personal changes and a series of feelings that have overstayed their welcome. The morning of my birthday, I was truly grateful to see yet another year, messages from loves ones and begin a new chapter, a new decade, in a new city with a new perspective. Throughout the day, my thoughts were on go.

We must accept that things change, people change, and often, we can get so caught up in our personal tornados that we forget to appreciate the beauty within the change, transformation and termination of things.

I’m growing to become okay with the termination of phases in my life.

To my thirty-year old self, I want to remind you:

That it is okay to experience multiple feelings at once. Allow your feelings to show up, greet you how they may and stay for however long they need to. To feel is to be human, to allow your feelings to spend time with you grants you the opportunity for understanding. When you allow yourself to feel, you are acknowledging a part of yourself that wants to be recognized, she deserves the space.

Don’t minimize your accomplishments because others may feel intimidated by them. For a long time, you’ve allowed others the space to project their fears and insecurities onto you, not anymore. Continue to strive for what it is that YOU seek, don’t allow anyone else to do that. As you continue to navigate your way, try new things, fail at new things.

Express yourself in your art. Write what you desire.

Every relationship or friendship doesn’t need closure. The grief you are coming face-to-face with may need acceptance, grace and even time to simply pass. Remember that relationships aren’t possessions, they are experiences. You deserve to experience what once was, what is now and who you are growing to be through your own personal healing and satisfaction. In various aspects, what is meant to be, will be. Show up for yourself, forgive yourself. You’ve accepted the fact that you aren’t perfect, so live.

Therapy has been a tremendous growing space for you, continue with it. I encourage you to reach new levels of honesty, face what you fear and allow therapy to hold you accountable. Address the issues you have with yourself, in a bold manner. The nurturing relationship you have with therapy, continue to hold it at your standard to strengthen your mental health and be in partnership with your self-awareness and emotional intelligence.

Be honest about the things you enjoy. Be honest about the things that bring you pleasure, satisfaction, joy and essentially peace.

Heather what are those things?

I love, love.

I love romance, experiencing honesty, sharing warm linens with someone, legs connected underneath. As the sun rays may creep through slightly cracked blinds the morning after, a shared space of silence is appreciated. I love romance novels, fine champagne, Black silk robes, jazz music, red wine, smoked gouda.

I enjoy intimacy, self-luxurious activities. I enjoy experiences.

I enjoy sex.

I enjoy freedom.

Heather, make sure you allow yourself the space, time and fulfillment to enjoy these things every chance you get. Take more chances on yourself.

Just because you can carry the load, doesn’t mean you should have to. Over time, you’ve learned the true benefit of asking for help, setting pride aside to be honest with yourself and others when help is needed in various aspects. Please, no longer harm yourself in physical, emotional and mental aspects to prove it can be done. Allow others to show up for you.

Vulnerability is also strength. You’ve learned to become empowered by your story, your journey and those who choose to continuously choose to see the authenticity within you. Reflect on where you feel the safest, your most authentic, where is your mental health and peace most respected?

This is just a short note that I comprised as I was reflective on what gratitude has looked like for me these past few weeks, turning into months. Expressing my thoughts and feelings during a time of all my emotions sharing what I like to describe as a dinner table, has been helpful in seeing the beauty in transition and change.

At this new beginning, I am understanding that I am both a soft and strong woman with a deep appreciation of authentic feelings. Being able to navigate with a beautiful heart, allowing myself to feel and experience the natural joys of life is truly something I am looking forward to expanding.

I’m welcoming this new decade with an abundance of gratitude. I’m going to allow my expectations to be exceeded by choosing faith over fear. My ability to become more self-aware is vital as I make conscious decisions that are conducive to my growth.

Hello 30.

Heather J.