Twenty Seventeen: Stumbling Into Healing

I'm finishing 2017 with everything I have left. 

It's been a year of triumph, joy, challenges, blessings, clearer pathways, letting go, priority toward opportunities that matter and shedding of old ways that has caused blockage. I can say this has been one of the most introspective, challenging, rewarding, eye-opening, fulfilling and overbearing years. The greatest gift in which I can say I awarded myself this year has been turning my wounds into wisdom by wrapping up my self-written project, a collection of poetry, prose and letters; available early 2018. 

I made it through the holidays; a challenging time of half smiles, broken laughter, this overbearing feeling of almost cracking under pressure and overall trying to maintain healthy boundaries of self-care, focus and remembering the true meaning of the season. I struggled with the thought of being selfish and taking a solo trip or spending time with family through exhaustion, anxiety and self-disappointment. But I made it! 

I'm labeling this past year, MY YEAR of transition, change, journeying, development and birthing. 

“Healing doesn’t come with warning labels. You aren’t notified ahead of time that the feeling of letting go hurts more than the pain itself.”

— Heather J. Macon

This year, I felt as though I had been knocked on my rear a few times with no one to help or hear me; within that, I also learned that I silence myself and I don't share. With a yearning for those to "check on your strong friend," what good does it do when you aren't honest with yourself or the ones checking in? Due to relocation, burn out and trying to adjust to new living spaces I felt as though I missed out on engagements, births, meet-ups and life of those who mattered most. I had my own celebrations and accomplishments; but I was hard on myself for not showing up and being available to those who mattered most. Self-forgiveness was an essential component to this year. 

I learned that letting go of what no longer serves you is an essential part of growth and self-care. This year, I've let go of jobs, writing assignments, relationships, one-sided friendships and even some poor habits that weren't allowing me to reach new heights both physically and mentally. This year, reflecting on wisdom, I began to truly understand that elevation does require isolation; it has helped me soar through the feeling of "loneliness." Through letting go, I gained clarity, peace, new challenges and a stronger appreciation of me. 

Showing up for myself served a new meaning when I truly began to reflect on my strength, courage and overall knowledge gained through what I thought I was punishment! The growth I've accomplished as a woman; I've learned how to protect my own well-being a bit more, decide what's best for me on the first try and embrace my willingness to be open-minded. 

With everything I endured this past year, negative, positive, elevating, liberating and tear-wrenching; I paid more attention to my mental health, began to put me first; practicing self-care more than ever. I embraced healthy conversations and said YES to therapy. I began to realize that being my biggest advocate, supporter and giver was beginning to be a bit over-bearing and that there were others willing to help - reaching out more is a goal of mine I'm working on.  

As time passes, you will rekindle relationships that deserve to be nourished and some that no longer serve a purpose to you and your being; a lesson that I've learned within that is someone can make you feel rejuvenated, happy, hopeful and you'll express gratitude far more than ever while some relationships can be draining, suck you bone dry and leave you feeling less than purposeful. I'm grateful for the feeling of both accomplishment and struggle. 

“Patience seems like an enemy during a time of healing, but I’m willing to mend a friendship with the virtue itself ...”

— Heather J. Macon (Virtue)

With 2018 approaching, I am no longer apologizing for self-advocacy and my ability to do great things; my name is laced with purpose and it's time that I start living in my truth with full intention. My mind, body, soul and spirit along with my financial, mental and physical well-being is what I am prioritizing. 

The consistencies in this life are blessings! 

Thank you, 

Heather J. Macon

Respect My Harmony Of The Season

I've reached this time of year where I begin to cringe at the sound of holiday music or I find myself wishing the holidays would pass, the weather to become warmer and the candy would go on sale at 75%. No, I'm not a Grinch, at least I don't think I am, I'm not ashamed to be single during the holidays and I don't really think I mind the travel and cost.

Nope, it's deeper than that. I still make a Christmas list and vow to do something nice for myself and loved ones, but it's a feeling. It's indescribable at most, but I felt myself slowly getting caught up in my own personal tornado, my holiday blues. 

I'm truly respectful of anyone's love and appreciation of the holidays and what this time of years means to them but I also wish my feelings, expectations and reasoning for not being in the spirit was respected as well. We talk about the "holiday blues" and what that looks like all around but I think some of us truly forget that sometimes our personal stories play a really big part in how we view things in life.

Growing up, holidays were okay. The tree went up every year, some winters were colder than others but there was also a darkness associated with the holidays for some reason. I'm not sure if it was because I didn't have a large-extended family, it didn't resemble what other holidays looked like or if I was just expecting a sea of disappointments whether is be family, friends, death, electricity or simply not having a set of grandparents to celebrate with. 

Still not sure. 

As I've gotten older, I realize that I travel often, move around quite a bit, I'm not attached to one specific place and my experiences around the holidays are always in waves. 2017 has taken me, shaken me up a bit, made me uncomfortable and has had me moving at a quick rapid pace. I'm tired. Now, with all that, I found myself questioning if I'd be selfish or not to take a trip out of the country for the holidays, to simply spend it alone. I've contemplated on that thought only because you would think that no one wants to simply be "alone" for the holidays, right? 

I'm not sure if it's the nature of my job, the amount of people in my life that I don't feel connected to or just simply this notion of this not being my favorite time of the year. It's almost like a silent judgement when you tell someone you don't like the fall, the cold, the holiday music, etc. I still consider myself in good spirits, I STILL communicate with my family but I also know what was not present in my life throughout the years around this time of year that truly still does play a role in how I view the holidays as I get older. 

Will I ever grow out of it, I'm not sure. Do I share my story with others, yes, but I am also mindful of not taking up to much space with my blues and I STILL know how to celebrate this time of year with those who find the joy in it. 

I told myself last night that my self-care during this upcoming holiday break would be to finish Gabrielle Union's memoir, indulge in one Netflix show of my choosing and spend one day doing completely, NOTHING. I have made maybe one-step in that direction but there is still time for my goal to be accomplished. 

Sometimes I think that we can become so caught up in what makes us feel sulky and we forget that we can validate our own true feelings and take steps to moving on; in our own time, no one elses.

My gratitude journal has been growing, prayers have become bolder and my self-forgiveness has gotten a whole lot better. 

Season Of Mellow Fruitfulness

November, 

I feel like you and I frequently meet on the basis of understanding. I'm trying to understand how to navigate through a season of giving and embracing loved ones, specifically on days when I need to be embraced. 

I begin to reflect beyond the surface of myself, I've become rich instantly as I begin to count my blessings. I become full when I begin to feed my appetite of giving, my expectations lessen as I see others with less than me. 

November, you creep up in the worst way possible. My holiday blues play with without skips, and the record is the same. I'm grateful for the season but missing a key element each time around. 

Time begins to move faster toward the completion of the year, I think of the projects I've yet to complete or the goals I still have to crush. November, you allow me time to reflect and PAUSE while gracefully accepting the concept of change.  

Taking things for granted dulls the brightest colors and I've learned to appreciate the beauty around me and within my beautiful soul. 

Thank you. 

Closed For Self-Care: A Well Deserved Break For You.

Sorry we're closed. 

Yes, Me, Myself & I. 

You know that dreadful feeling you get when you walk up to a store with hopes that they will be open, even if it's only the last 5 minutes. Your mind is completely set on what it is that you need, if only you could have made it on time before you read: Sorry, we're closed. 

Sunday evening self-care is always a time of reflection for me. I develop new ways of thinking, I often meditate on how I am going to approach the week and I challenge myself to practice patience better than the week before. Sounds nice right? I agree, it does. But one thing I fail at continuously is extending myself a little too much to others without even checking in with myself. I quite frequently find myself drained, drained from all the unhealthy conversations I allow in my personal space, the subscriptions I have to other people's issues and the challenges I face daily personally while still finding time to help others and commit to extra projects.  

Well, I am closed; closed for personal care, closed for personal maintenance, closed for self-care. 

I've taken my services off the shelf, I am no longer marking my time as a "clearance" item and I am definitely returning all items described as other people's "mess." 

What good are we to others if we aren't good to ourselves first? How often do we listen to the lives of others and all of their negativity until it begins to weigh heavy? I often sit, reflect and I’ve come up with a valid conclusion, close for two-weeks for some re-modeling. Better yet, maybe you should close for as long as you need to. 

Remodeling is checking in with self; it’s finding new ways to care for yourself and pay attention to your own wants & needs. You don't have to respond to texts right away, you don't need to be at someone's beck & call, you surely don't need to put your own well-being on the back burner. If you're similar to me, you've naturally taken on the role as a healer/giver, listener, and someone who can fix everything with just lending an ear. Yes, those attributes are great, I often am flattered to take on any leadership capability if needed, offer advice and pour into others; it was done for me, and for that I am truly grateful. But there comes a time when you will hit burn-out, compassion fatigue and eventually that can turn into bitterness. 

At times the same love, compassion, genuine helpfulness and frequent check-ins aren't always offered in return but it's furthermore a supporting factor to shut down business. Shut down for self-care for as long as you may need. 

My sign will read:

"We're closed. The mind, body and soul of a continuous giver needs this time to check-in with self. We are closed for fertilization and growth in multiple areas that contribute to personal well-being. If you've stopped by to complain, nag, whine and only think about yourself, turn around, drink some water and do a self-check-in. See you soon.

I encourage you to check-in with yourself and decide when you need to close and for how long. When you re-open what will be different? What will you discontinue, take off the shelf and not allow to return to your space?

We must first serve ourselves, fall deeply in love with the fact that our own mental well-being and desires come first.

Heather J. Macon

Self-Focused: A Positive Kind of Selfish

In your thoughts is a dangerous place to get lost. 

We begin to evaluate, re-evaluate, become acquainted with self-doubt, become to hard on ourselves and find items to place on extensive to-do lists.

When I've been on wild journeys through my mind, I've found that in my thoughts is a place where I deeply reflect, I accept myself, I question myself, I praise myself and at times I'm too hard on myself. I found myself asking a question, why is it that we focus solely more on the fear of being labeled "selfish" than the actual outcome of being selfish with ourselves?

I've struggled with this before, and at times, I STILL fall. 

It took me a nice amount of time before I truly started living for me, making decisions that made ME happy, saying no with no explanation, trying new things, developing new habits, etc. There was always this notion of being too selfish, or always on the move or not thinking of anyone but myself. But why is that a problem? Why must we factor everyone or everything into the decisions that we make?

Self-Focused. 

Choosing to focus on your wildest dreams IS NOT Selfish. 

Placing value on yourself IS NOT Selfish. 

Doing what's best for you, even during your darkest hour IS NOT Selfish. 

Seeking self-love and self-acceptance before focusing on anyone else IS NOT Selfish. 

Understanding the importance of positive Self-Focus IS NOT Selfish.

Ridding yourself of toxic people IS NOT Selfish. 

Caring for self IS NOT Selfish. 

Understand that you must give yourself the best version of love before you can offer it to anyone else. It's something that's easier said than done and at times we learn the hard way. We learn by failing, and I wouldn't be who I am today if I hadn't failed a few times and gave myself multiple chances to get it right. 

People may not understand the decisions you make or the actions you take, but that's it, nobody has to understand. Do what YOU feel is best and what makes you happy. As long you understand and remain true to yourself, you'll never lose sleep. I know I may be criticized for the goals and decisions I have made for this upcoming season, but that's ok. I'm fine.

Self-Focused. 

“Do what makes you happy without explaining yourself. ”

— Heather J.

Artwork by: Nicholle Kobi

A Penny For My Thoughts: Authenticity & Genuine Support

I value true authentic phone conversations before I would settle for consistent contact via Facebook messenger. 

I truly prefer to be in your presence face to face than solely rely on text messages, Instagram shout outs and Twitter mentions. 

For me, I have this love/hate relationship with social media and the route we have taken to keep in contact with our loved ones or to prove a "healthy-happy" friendship or relationship. Don't think to long as to why I have "healthy-happy" italicized. 

I've moved to two different states over the course of a year, and for me it's been bittersweet. I've had my challenges, fair share of ups & downs and I've made some truly lasting relationships. As time passes, as I get older and as I continue along this journey of discovering self, I've realized one thing for sure: I appreciate authenticity and genuineness among individuals. 

My love language happens to be Words of Affirmation, which I have a hard time believing on some days, but furthermore I have a true respect for each love language and I understand that all of us have ways of communicating and expressing our emotions, feelings and support for one another differently. 

This past week has been challenging to say the least but I adjust the sails of my ship and keep it pushing. My challenging weeks are typically ones in which I find myself doing a lot of soul-searching, self-reflecting and just being "still" if I can. I'm in the process of completing a few projects with set deadlines, crossing items off my bucket list while strengthening my personal experiences and overall I'm contributing to my personal well-being. I've been busy with my personal craft, personal & professional reading and the simple state of just being. Simply being without the expectation of posting updates via social media or spending my time indulged in others thoughts & opinions via social media. 

Imagine how much you could accomplish internally if you spent your time reading your own thoughts instead of someone else's.

In a previous post, I touched a bit on the vulnerable feeling of "loneliness," and how it can truly have an effect on our most current state of being and our experiences. For me, I naturally move in silence and I'm always thinking about the next big thing, hence the reason why no one knew I moved to Georgia until the week of and the fact that I'm still allowing myself grace.  

This is a personal opinion but a re-occurring thought that I've had for quite some time during my two-year transition, why is it that relationships fall off when distance is in between? Is it because we live in a society and time where people begin to solely rely on social media updates? Or, is it because people take your consistent posting for granted and automatically assume that's the perfect way to stay connected; no shares, likes, comments or support, you are just there automatically showing up on a news feed. 

We don't have authentic conversations anymore of how we are ACTUALLY doing, conversations seem to be led now based on what's being posted via social media or what's "overheard" via a brunch conversation or re-tweet. When we share our positive life experiences or what's going on in our worlds it doesn't get recognition if it's not a current trend.

Why do celebrities already established get more support than the people in your actual life? We continuously praise what we scroll past but we don't look inward to those around us who are accomplishing great things; traveling the world, gaining true life experiences, living for self and thriving. We like IG travel pages, and support well known writers but what about your executive circle? I tend to write about the things I find inspiring, things I feel need to be expressed and it's my overall way of practicing self-care; I let the world into my experiences and I find solace in my writing. 

I challenge you to think more in depth, why is it that a natural disaster has to occur before we begin to appreciate the people in our lives? Why do we naturally assume that someone is going through a rough time or being distant because we are taking personal, spiritual and cleansing breaks from social media? I don't post some of my greatest accomplishments on social media because I cherish the roadblocks that may have occurred to get me there. 

I challenge you to communicate more with the ones you love and appreciate them and their craft a bit more. Yes, we all have personal lives that are moving at a rapid pace, the world doesn't stop spinning for anyone but I challenge you to communicate authentically. Don't rely on a status update, a positive IG post, a sub tweet or snap to check in continuously.

How will you continue to nurture your relationships and friendships without relying on social media? 

Heather J. 

“But I’m beginning to understand that I am both a soft and strong woman with a deep appreciation of authentic feelings.”

— Heather J.Macon

Before You Leave

2017.

Before you leave, I want to tell you how much I've appreciated this challenging journey, this thrill of a roller coaster ride. I want to express my gratitude thus far and tell you how much I've anticipated the start of a new season. Before you leave, I'd like to write a love letter ending and beginning with each expressive thought. 

I want to thank you.

You may read this and think to yourself that 2017 isn't over yet and we still have 4 months left; that's right, we have 4 full months left of the year. The year in which some of us set resolutions, goals and made a vow to break bad habits. A year that we recited our own personal mantras stating "this is my year." Whatever promise you made to yourself, you still have time to live out that promise and to recite that mantra. 

It was on my heart to write something about September and welcome her with open arms. I prayed and meditated on scriptures about being fruitful and letting the desires of your heart be made know and it came to me. Writing something so simple allowed me to meditate and receive abundance; my thoughts were pure and positive. I was simply reminded to: keep going.  

Fall is our constant reminder of how beautiful it is to let dead things go. Let if fall, let the beauty manifest over time. Allow yourself room to breathe and heal in your own timing. 

With 4 months left in the year, I will continue to treat myself with the up most respect. It goes beyond saying "self-care," it begins to tap into those promises I made myself, those goals I initially set. Respecting my mind. body, and soul with paying more attention to what matters in achieving my goals. 

Being more intentional with reaching out to others before it's too late is a promise I intend to keep. Booking an international flight and enjoying breezes, tastes and another one's way of life; singing to rhythms I'm not familiar with. 

2017,

Before you leave, I want to make sure that I'm doing everything with pure intentions to continue to live positively, grow & heal, learn new things, accomplish short-term and long-terms goals and to truly give it all I've got. 

A short note and reminder to self. 

Heather J. Macon 

Throughout Your Journey: Letter to Self

Thursday evening, a quiet still night that seems so loud. I'll be a year older in a few days. 

I've been thinking about younger Heather and meditating on how far I have come, where I am now and where I intend to be. I've been a bit more in tune with my authentic feelings lately because self-reflection for me is real, accountability is essential and growth is vital. 

I wrote a letter to my younger self appreciating my journey, the cobblestone paths I've walked, streams I've swam in and maybe the people I've hurt along the way. 

Hey Young One, 

Smile, because you want to. Not due to someone else's inability to see your joy and falsely label you. Smile because brighter days are coming and you are here to accept them fully. 

Love yourself first. Love you first because no one else can give you the self-love, compassion and fulfillment that you must seek within. The journey to self-love isn't easy but allow yourself time to develop. Comparing yourself to someone else's self-love journey will not allow yours to flourish more brightly, it only weakens your pedals. Your pedals are intended to produce love, joy, bright colors, dull colors and everything in between in it's own time. 

Heather, I want you to understand that what you give may not be given back in return but you're a natural giver which means you have to know when to say no. You have to know when to say enough is enough. When you give others pieces of you that require time, energy, and emotion, understand that you are making an investment in which you may or may not get back. So I advise you to learn this as early as you can, but it's okay if you stumble and fall

You cannot pour from an empty cup. 

GROW through what you GO through! 

You will be labeled professional, poised, sassy, angry, challenging, tough, conceited, not good enough, difficult, over-achieving, witty and the list may continue. Just know that the ones who label you aren't writing your story, you are. As you are writing your story, please note that not everyone will subscribe, understand the grammatical errors or know that there are many run-on sentences. Do you. Be You.

Understand that every heartbreak, upset, temporary failure and milestone you reach is for a reason far beyond your understanding. Each setback is a setup for a comeback, that will put you in a far better place than you imaged. 

You fall hard. You will fall hard. Failed relationships are meant to teach you. Follow your dreams, live out your goals, be a beacon of light to others; there is time. The guy you end up with early on will not be the guy you are with in moments to come, but know that over time developing a relationship with self is more valuable than a heartbreak will ever be. Give yourself time to grow, develop and be great!

Develop relationships with others, but also know that when you begin to feel disconnected have a self check moment and remind yourself that you are worthy. 

No need to put all your eggs in one basket. Why? The reason why is because the plans you have set, God has already laughed at and thought otherwise. Where you are now, is not where you thought you'd be a year ago. Trusting him is the best thing you can do along this journey. 

Heather, you will evolve into a strong, innovative, brave young woman. Not everyone will be able take on the confidence that you possess. Some won't understand your joy and that's okay. See, they haven't seen where you've been, they don't know where you're going. They don't know what you are capable of? They have no idea. Melanin, Magic, and Magnificence, keep striving.

Lastly, Heather, I want you to give yourself the Grace, kindness and Encouragement that you deserve. Not always hearing it when you needed it along this journey, may hold weight. Understand that you are shaping lives by the day and that matters. Even though you may not hear it, know that your knowledge, growth and power inspires someone.

I'm writing this letter to you because I want you to know that throughout this journey you will grow, you will be tested, you will fail. Hear me, you will fail. But failure is what is going to make you into a strong, courageous woman who in fact will be confident within herself to withstand what is thrown her way. You will be taken on various journey's that the lord intends for you because he want's you to be molded in his image. You can AND WILL weather the storm. 

Continue to trust him, put him first and flourish. 

XoXo,

Heather J.