I've reached this time of year where I begin to cringe at the sound of holiday music or I find myself wishing the holidays would pass, the weather to become warmer and the candy would go on sale at 75%. No, I'm not a Grinch, at least I don't think I am, I'm not ashamed to be single during the holidays and I don't really think I mind the travel and cost.

Nope, it's deeper than that. I still make a Christmas list and vow to do something nice for myself and loved ones, but it's a feeling. It's indescribable at most, but I felt myself slowly getting caught up in my own personal tornado, my holiday blues.

I'm truly respectful of anyone's love and appreciation of the holidays and what this time of years means to them but I also wish my feelings, expectations and reasoning for not being in the spirit was respected as well. We talk about the "holiday blues" and what that looks like all around but I think some of us truly forget that sometimes our personal stories play a really big part in how we view things in life.

Growing up, holidays were okay. The tree went up every year, some winters were colder than others but there was also a darkness associated with the holidays for some reason. I'm not sure if it was because I didn't have a large-extended family, it didn't resemble what other holidays looked like or if I was just expecting a sea of disappointments whether is be family, friends, death, electricity or simply not having a set of grandparents to celebrate with.

Still not sure.

As I've gotten older, I realize that I travel often, move around quite a bit, I'm not attached to one specific place and my experiences around the holidays are always in waves. 2017 has taken me, shaken me up a bit, made me uncomfortable and has had me moving at a quick rapid pace. I'm tired. Now, with all that, I found myself questioning if I'd be selfish or not to take a trip out of the country for the holidays, to simply spend it alone. I've contemplated on that thought only because you would think that no one wants to simply be "alone" for the holidays, right?

I'm not sure if it's the nature of my job, the amount of people in my life that I don't feel connected to or just simply this notion of this not being my favorite time of the year. It's almost like a silent judgement when you tell someone you don't like the fall, the cold, the holiday music, etc. I still consider myself in good spirits, I STILL communicate with my family but I also know what was not present in my life throughout the years around this time of year that truly still does play a role in how I view the holidays as I get older.

Will I ever grow out of it, I'm not sure. Do I share my story with others, yes, but I am also mindful of not taking up to much space with my blues and I STILL know how to celebrate this time of year with those who find the joy in it.

I told myself last night that my self-care during this upcoming holiday break would be to finish Gabrielle Union's memoir, indulge in one Netflix show of my choosing and spend one day doing completely, NOTHING. I have made maybe one-step in that direction but there is still time for my goal to be accomplished.

Sometimes I think that we can become so caught up in what makes us feel sulky and we forget that we can validate our own true feelings and take steps to moving on; in our own time, no one elses.

My gratitude journal has been growing, prayers have become bolder and my self-forgiveness has gotten a whole lot better.